I have never saw violence chart at CL at 01.15 EST onward on my life. Last stand I lost more than -$1500 from +$320. I just don't know when to quit. I kept telling to myself, don't stop, don't stop, the last trade will fly, just hang on to it. And it never happened until I lost everything. Each side the same, my bias told me to short, I calculated it might cost me $700 to $1000.
The bottom in my life never came to an end. No I dig a deeper hole for my own grave. This is by far the worst feeling of my entire trading. I just don't understand. Friday, I could made green...operator error stopped me out on everything. Now Monday, I should stopped. But everything was in ruin.
I worked so hard to make a system that very good. It worked very nice today. I just keep sabotage myself. Why did I do that? Why misfortune came to me over and over again? Why? Why? Why can I just enjoy the day after good trade? Why can I just have a blackout after I had profit? Why should I have to experience this violence chopped? Why? Why?
For me trading now's like one hellish adventure. Honestly I don't know how to cover back my losses. It's too big damn big. I still have confidence with my newly system. But at best it only produced $200-$300 per day on my confort level. I need more than that. Why trading 's very hard?
The pain for me unmeasurable. How many thousands of hours I spent for this damnation? I worked everyday to do my best. I worked so hard to make this happened. But one tiny mistakes, resume trading at 01.30 EST bring me disaster. I should quit trading after reached the $500 losses or 5 losses in a row. But after I stopped, what if the price move on my way? It happened all the time. I can't stand it.
Really painful, really pissed off, really angry. The first two trades today, I was already losed $189, what a joke. Then I climbed up to $330 at max before going down to deep hell.
I know exactly what scenario tomorrow. Either I booked early $200 profit than quit for the day, grinding day after day waiting my unavoidable doomsday like today or stop after losing another $300 which is very easy to do and feeling like want to kill myself, or go to direct hell wiped out all my tiny account in one day. Each ways is no better. I can't believe myself to ride the profit run.
But it's true that I never experienced this brutal violence of whipsawed without any movement at all on CL...The most brutal things I have ever expereinced. If I just stopped trading and be happy with my small profit. If I just stopped trading after I losed one or two times, If...if..if..., nothing really matter...
So, it's settled. Here's what I will do this day onward (Keep telling this over and over again and yet never make it right):
1. Still doing my system, the bias system with discipline.
2. If reached minimum $300 profit realized and want to continued then max losses of the day will be $0, no question asked.
3. If losses reached $500(normal slippage is tolerated) , stop trading, no question asked.
4. I will honest with my result.
5. Will post my trading result in this blog.
HERE'S THE DEAL!!!!
IF I VIOLATE EVEN ONE RULE ABOVE, I WILL QUIT TRADING FOREVER. I WILL STOP LOOKING AT CHART, I WILL RETIRE IN THIS BUSINESS FOR GOOD.
"MAY GOD AND MY FELLOW READER AND BLOGGER BE MY WITNESS"
Please, remind me if I broke those rules. I already tired of this trading activity. I might as well be a mindless robot trading and losed all my money now. It took some days to wiped out all my capital.
Now I kept trading to the death of my account. No expectation, No hopes, No dreams, just mindless drone trader. Whatever the result, I don't really care. I don't care about my emotion, I don't care if I lose 10 days in a row, I don't care if I don't make any money after one month of trading. I don't care if I failed, Don't care if I lost all my account doing this, Don't want to think about new strategy again, I am tired of researching and backtesting with negative result. Let it be my mediocre system with my mindless drone Trading Management. Now I am just emotionless trader, operated mechanically until I met my doom.
To be honest, I am tired of this shit. So exhausting with no result. Emotionally not healthy. Now I just become a robot, like...Oh I lost $500 already, done for the day. Or, oh my profit from $300 now gone to $0, done for the day. No more thinking like if you stop you missed the move...stop now you'll regret it, or doing wishful thinking like..oh if I put the last trade, I may made a fortune.
I DON'T CARE IF AFTER I STOPPED THE PRICE MOVED $10.000,- IF IT STOPPED,IT MEANS STOPPED. NO REGRET, NO FEELING, NO EMOTION.
I know my new system is still premature with lack of backtesting. Well, I don't care. I am tired of looking of new strategy, new indicator, etc.
I lost hope with all my trading activity. No more expectation for a better living....no dreams of having a good income from trading....get rid desire of trading anywhere around the globe. No Hope, No Fear, No Greed. No afraid thinking what happened if I lose 5 days in a row. No planned to change strategy for better trades or avoid more losing. Nothing, No faith, No confidence, No regret. I am Nothing, Nothing inside me. No Emotion, No thinking, No second guessing, No more desire to become a great trader, Nothing, Zero, Blank. I am just Nothing, No Love of Trading, No adrenaline, Nothing. No more hardwork after market, No excitement, No scare of losing, No scare of profit, Nothing.
I attached too much in trading. I loved market too much...It doesn't love me, why should I loved it? Trading is nothing than an unemotional activity. I didn't care if your parent die today. Don't care if you lost your legs from accident. So why should I care? No sympathy or empathy.
I am nothing, no exist, no burden, no future, no past. No plan with the money I'll made from trading, nothing. Money is money. No happiness, No sadness, No frustration, No revenge, No attachment, Nothing...
No better, no worse, no laugh, no cry, No worries, Nothing...
Just my system, trade, execution, result. Either it's -$500, profit, or zero.